The girlfriend is heading back to school in Halifax in a few weeks and after spending a few semesters out east with her I know she’s bound to have a few very late nights back at school. Halifax isn’t the safest place and I don’t want to worry about her walking home late at night, especially while I’m back here in Calgary. So while out shopping the other day I stumbled across an idea…..
It was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.
The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety – god forbid she would have to use it.
WAY TOO COOL ! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I’d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Meghan what that burn spot is on the face of the microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn’t be all that bad with only two little triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my roommates cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat, not that I’m much of a cat person but, if I was going to give this thing to my girlfriend to protect herself against a bad guy, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of board shorts and a t-shirt with my sunglasses perched on the top of my head, directions in one hand, and the little tazer in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I’m looking at this little device measuring about 5″ long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, ‘no possible way… I’m 6’3” and pushing 190lbs… how could two little batteries do anything more than give me a little sting’
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I’ll do my best.. .?
I’m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, ‘don’t do it dumbass,’ reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn’t hurt all that bad.
I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and .. .
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I’m pretty sure Dwayne Johnson (a.k.a. The Rock) ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet with sweat, drool pouring down my cheek, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to ‘mug’ yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can’t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My cracked Oakley sunglasses were on the other side of the room. The recliner I was in was now upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching feverishly. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.
I’m still looking for my nuts and I’m offering a significant reward for their safe return!
P.S… My girlfriend, who can’t stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! and I learned that no matter how small the batteries… ya….. I think you know what I mean.
